


i wanna fall into the floor

by Saturn_Atlas



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Bad Thoughts, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Needs a Hug, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders is a Mess, Deceit Sanders is a Good Friend, Deceit is trying his best, Gen, Insecure Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders is Bad at Feelings, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Sweetheart, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:41:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24156043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saturn_Atlas/pseuds/Saturn_Atlas
Summary: Roman feels conflicted after the events of ’Putting Others First’.(I love my Roman angst)
Relationships: Platonic LAMP, Roman Sanders & Deceit Sanders
Comments: 10
Kudos: 69





	1. Better without (Roman)

You raise up in your room. You immediately proceed to break down. 

You can’t believe that the others are ready to just accept De- Janus. After him lying and being so manipulative. They just throw that under the bus! Like it doesn’t matter. He should just be forgiven and- and-

You hate him!

How dare he, compare you to your evil, awful, dark side of a brother. You are nothing like Remus! You’re the exact opposite. You’re good, a prince, and he-he’s just a dark side! That Thomas hates! 

You are nothing at all like him. Because, Thomas trusts you. He listens and you’re his hero. 

Right?

You realize that you’re probably being very loud. Sobbing like a child on the floor. You have nothing to be upset about! You’re the hero, the prince.

You have nothing to worry about. You rub your eyes until they’re red. Pushing yourself of the ground, you turn to look in the mirror to make sure you still look presentable.

In your full length mirror, you see that you sash is falling off and your hair is out of place. You look like a mess. That is unacceptable! You have to be all there and just right. 

You make yourself grin and you almost look fine. Almost? What, you are fine! The absolute picture of the finest of gentleman. In fact, you are excellent! 

Because another problem got solved and now there’s nothing to worry about. You are not like your brother. You are helpful and you are needed. Yes, yes! Thomas needs you, your the creativity that he needs. He couldn’t do with just your brother. He needs you, listens and trusts you. 

And nothing could every change that.

You finish straightening yourself out. Hair and sash put back into the right place, and your eyes aren’t as red. Just as you go to turn away, you flash a grin at the mirror and nearly scream.

Because it’s not you standing there, it’s your awful, awful brother. 

You freeze, but after you blink hes gone. Or maybe not. Maybe your just him all dressed up. Playing the part of the prince who slays evil dragons. When you are the evil dragon. 

That’s what Janus said, right? If your just like your brother, then- you have no place influencing Thomas. Because if you’re just like Remus, that means you’re hurting Thomas. You never want to hurt him, so- maybe-

Who are you kidding Janus isn’t the only one who’s seen that your hurting Thomas. You wanted to go to the callback and even though we all agreed that Thomas’s needs are important too. At the time you were hurting him! You couldn’t do your job when all you focused on was being what Patton wanted. 

You even let Janus persuade you.

Everything would be better if you left. Thomas would still be able to feel creative! And you couldn’t hurt him anymore. But, what about Remus? Should he become the main influence for Thomas’s creativity. You don’t want that! But, what if that’s what’s best. You’re probably worse than him anyway! Even if Remus’s ideas are dangerous and bad, at least he has interesting ideas. And- and Patton, Virgil and Logan would never let him make Thomas do really bad things! So it’d be better if you were gone. 

He doesn’t even trust you, anymore. If he can trust Janus. And Patton can trust Janus. Then maybe, you’re the problem. If everyone else trusts him, over you. It must be because you’re not helping and because you’re bad, bad, bad-

You mean he probably would never ever notice if you just ducked out anyway.


	2. It’s been a tough day (Janus)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What did Janus think about after ‘putting other first’

Today has been a hard day. Of course it has, you literally revealed your name. That is like really important. And you felt so vulnerable and Roman laughed. 

Sometimes you really, strongly dislike him. Well, he is easy to manipulate to get him to do what you want. But on the other hand, he doesn’t know when to shut up.

It can be so infuriating!

Thomas and maybe Patton, have started to accept you. Maybe- maybe, even trust you. 

Ugh, Roman is so annoying! Is almost as bad as Rem-

Okay, okay, you do regret what you said to him, just a little. You know he is very conflicted and definitely upset.

Like, before the callback/wedding in the court room. He pretty much agreed with you. Only for Patton to make him feel like he was bad for doing his literal purpose. And then after we missed something that could have been amazing, people finally agree that Thomas deserves to have some ‘selfish’ wins. 

You understand that he probably feels betrayed and neglected. You understand.

You have some sympathy for him. You pity him.

You pass around your room. Many things have happened today.

1\. You told Thomas your name  
2\. They agreed with you for once  
3\. Roman laughed at your name  
4\. So you compared him to his brother

Oh.

You know that Romans brother is a sore topic. 

Yes, you were upset and your feelings are very valid.

But, you also know words really affect Roman. Obviously, you know this you have tried persuading him before. 

He’s probably sulking in his room.

You know he has to cool down. But, you should really check on him.

Actually, you should ask Patton to do that. 

Your train of thought is cut short when Remus bursts into your room. With a crazy grin on his face.

He looks like he just got back from the imagination. His hair and clothes are a mess. There’s dirt and leaves all over his clothes, and is that blood?

“Jan! Guess what, Apparently Mr. goody two shoes invited us to a movie night! With the rest of the light sides” 

He jumps around your room. Your wyes follow him, but his Sporadic movements start to give you a headache.

“Yes, that’s wonderful news, Remus” you reply, his grin seems to only widen.

You jumps Over to you and grasps your arms with his muddy hands. 

“Does that mean we can go!” He pauses for a moment, as if he were thinking about something. Then he asked another question, “Does that mean I can come?”

You sigh, but nod that he could come. Fr a brief moment, you wonder which side come downstairs to ask Remus. Probably Patton, maybe he made Logan do it.

Remus seems to have decided to go on a disgusting rant about things you wish you never heard.

You zoom out about 10 minutes in.

You know Romans self-esteem is low, if he has any at all. You hope he doesn’t do anything drastic.


	3. Waiting for the ‘biz’ to be done (Patton)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The start of movie night. Patton hopes things go smoothly.

You really think things are starting to look up! Even though you had been unsure about everything for awhile. It all turned out alright. 

You are starting to realize that some of your beliefs haven’t been very helpful. And that maybe the Dark sides aren’t that bad. 

Otherwise, why would Janus have wanted to help so much. Even if his opinions are different than yours, he’s just dying to help. 

You’re still nervous about Remus, but it should all turn out fine!

You went downstairs to invite them to a movie night. You want to include them more, to understand them better.

Though, when you went downstairs you couldn’t find Janus, so you had to find Remus. He had been covered in grime. He had even seemed surprised that You were there at all. But, that makes sense, since you weren’t very welcoming last time you saw each other.

You made sure to tell him that both Him and Janus were invited. He seemed delighted, in his own way.

You had to talk to virgil about everything. He was pretty much furious, and you guess he has a right to be. He did look surprised when you told him that Janus told you his name. Virgil said he didn’t trust him, but would be civil. You think it’s because Janus shared something vulnerable about himself. Maybe Virgil will come around! 

And When you went to talk to Logan, well, he didn’t really seem to want to talk. He kinda just nodded in agreement to whatever you said. It has you a little worried. But, everyone is going threw a new and scary change. So, you think he’ll be okay in a little while.

Now Roman, he, well-

You know that he is maybe a bit insecure about some things. And that accepting Janus is going to be hard for him. Especially, because it means he’ll have to spend more time with his brother. And after what Janus said about Remus and Roman. you just hope he’s okay.

Well, you have a movie night to get ready!

——————————————————

After having Virgil, begrudgingly, help set up you just had to call the others down. You told Janus and Remus when to come up, so they’ll be here soon.

Everything is set up. The lights are off the only source of light is coming from the Paused TV. There are pillows and blankets everywhere. You’re sitting on the far right of the couch, covered in a blanket and huddling a pillow to your chest. Virgil pretty much built a nest at your feet. He seems a bit grumpy.

Logan comes down first. He goes into the kitchen, probably for a snack. Even though you thought you grabbed everyone’s favourites? 

Oh, he comes back out with crofters and a Spoon. Okay- you weren’t expecting that, maybe, something more related to junk food? Whatever, as long as he’s happy!

He comes around the couch and sits the farthest from you.

You try and have some small talk well waiting, but they don’t really seem in the mood for chitchat.

You’re about to call everyone again when Remus comes bursting through the door connecting the light and dark sides. You worried for a second he’d get dirt and grime, maybe blood everywhere. But he was actually clean, and wearing a neon green t shirt with pj bottoms that were striped with yellow and purple. The outfit looked Atrocious and ,old with lots of stains ,but at least it was clean. 

He greets everyone and plops down beside you. You turn to ask were Janus is, he responds that “Janny had some biz to take care of, talk about late to the party.”

You briefly wonder what the ‘biz’ Janus is doing. 

It seems that Virgil was getting tired of waiting and told you to just start the movie. You hesitate, but end up agreeing. You can always rewind, right?


	4. I’m not a person, I’m the problem. (Roman & Janus)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus checks up on Roman before the movie.

It’s been a long time coming. You finally realize what you need to do.

In your small breakdown yesterday, you completely trashed your room. All the projects you had been working on, destroyed. Past you would be furious at you for ruining all your hard work. 

It’s not like it’ll matter soon anyway. Your ideas were always useless. They lacked enthusiasm. You lost your passion a long time ago. You’ve barely been getting by, and now the truth has been revealed.

By Jack the fibber, no less. 

Even after you tried to clean yourself up, you ruined it all again. You ruin everything.

You know that tonight is movie night. But, you don’t think you can see anyone right now. You just- want to be alone.

But, you know you should go anyway. Because, Patton would be upset if you missed it. Movie nights are really important to him. Usually, you helped him set everything up. All the blankets and pillows and stuffed animals, you created them and brought them for the past movie nights. 

They used to mean a lot to you too. But, it won’t matter anymore anyway. Now that Patton is letting the Darkside be accepted-

You still are having a hard time wrapping your head around that.

Knowing Patton, he probably invited Janus and, your brother. That makes everything worse. You absolutely couldn’t go now. It would be to much. And they still need to think you’re the perfect prince.

Besides, this might be the last time you get to see them.

Y’know, before you duck out.

——————————————

You are going to check on roman before your first movie night. You never ended up asking anyone else to do it, so you have to now.

You haven’t spend a lot of time up here. The halls leading to their rooms all look the same, it’s hard to tell the difference. You go through Logan and Patton’s hall, before you find Romans.

Well, the others doors are telling of the person who made them. Logan and Patton’s were both sturdy and bright.

You take a step back to look at Roman’s door. It looks dull and loose. This worries you farther.

You go to knock and the door opens on it’s own. The door creaks, and maybe a hinge fell off.

You see Roman standing in front of the mirror. His head whipped in your direction, after hearing the door.

He looks so worn. His hair out of place, clothes a mess. Definitely, not his normal prince like manner.

His eyes water as he stares at you. You didn’t expect this outcome. You rush to find something to say when Roman starts rambling.

"I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. It’s all my fault. I- you’re right, I’m, I,"

He cuts himself off with a sob. He sinks down to the floor, and that’s when you realize how bad it is. Truly, this has been a long time coming. Roman holds everything inside and, probably, only every lets the façade slip when he’s alone.

You slide down beside him. You try to comfort him by putting a hand on his shoulder. He’s shaking. He’s mumbling again.

"I know, I know. I- I’m sorry I’m not a person anymore. I’m sorry I’m the problem. I know I’m worse than Remus. And- and everyone else can accept you, but I can’t. And it’s all my fault. I’m hurting Thomas. I’m bad for him. I have- I have to. I need to be gone. "

Then he does the unexpected, he clutch’s your clothes and sobs into your chest. 

He’s apologizing over and over, saying he’s bad for Thomas. You just pull him closer. You’ve only every done this with Remus and Virgil. You never would have thought you’d be hugging Roman of all people. But, he needs this comfort and no one else has given it to him. 

You tell him that it is you who is sorry. You tell him you knew he had been hurting and that you shouldn’t have made that comment about him and Remus. You tell him he is a person and he isn’t a problem. And that Thomas needs him just as much as the rest of us. You keep going for roughly three minutes, you think.

When he calms down enough, he lets go of your shirt and apologizes again. He gets up and wipes his face, cleaning himself up. 

You feel your heart clench when he pulls his mask back up.

He thanks you, and says that he should be getting to movie night. You tell him you were invited to, but wanted to check up on him first. He laughs it off and tells you he’s fine. You immediately recognized the lie, anyone would after what just happened. You think Roman knows he’s lying too.

You end up starting to walk to the door with Roman. He passes you and you hear him mumble that, he was going to duck out, permanently. Not how Virgil had down, you know. He probably would have hiden his room so no one could find him, and wait to fade.

You wouldn’t wish that upon your greatest enemy, you know fading is painful. Not to mention harmful to Thomas.

You have to talk to the others, but that will have to wait.

When you get to the living room, you see everyone is already there. Everyone but Logan, look up and see you an Roman. Patton looks surprised, but hopeful. 

Roman just walks over and sits down on the pile of blankets, near Virgil. You notice how Virgil is glaring at you. You ignore that and sit beside Logan.

Patton asks everyone if they are ready for the movie to start, everyone agrees and he presses play.

You could barely focus on the movie, you had to much on your mind.


	5. Until tomorrow than (Roman & Janus)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More of Romans thought. Janus talks to Logan and starts to, maybe, care just a little about our prince.

You can’t believe how unbelievably stupid you are! You couldn’t hold yourself together for five minutes! 

What is wrong with you? 

The moment someone catches you, even thinking ‘bad’ things. And you what? Breakdown, like a frickin baby.

In front of Janus, of all the sides. It just had to be him. And, well, he didn’t react the way you thought he would. 

No, he awkwardly tried to comfort you. He wasn’t rude or mean, he was just unsure and awkward. 

He tried to help and you still can’t shake that he’s the bad guy. That you should’ve been more careful. 

You realize why the other sides seem alright with him. But, you just can’t! 

That’s why you can’t affect Thomas anymore. Because, everyone else thinks the Dark sides are not evil, anymore. You just can’t accept it. You’re making everything difficult.

He, Janus doesn’t seem to bad, but that’s what he made you think before! And it was only for his gain. 

How do you know he’s not tricking everyone? How do you know he’s not going to hurt anyone?

You think Virgil would agree with you on not trusting Janus. But, he’d definitely be at least, persuaded be Patton to be civil with Janus.

But you can’t be accepting! 

(Why?)

You- you just can’t! 

It goes against everything you’ve ever know about the dark sides. There has already been so much change! You can’t handle anymore. 

It all to fast, everything is going to be different. Since everyone else can change, and you can’t. That’s why you’re hurting Thomas, or going to at least. That’s why you have to be gone, so everyone is safe and can change.

You really hope Janus doesn’t mention your little breakdown earlier, either. 

You realize you’ve been stuck in your head the whole time that you’ve missed the movie. When you zone back in, everything looks like a normal movie night. Other than the two new additions. Patton and Remus have fallen asleep. 

Yep, a normal, definitely normal, movie night.

After, the end of the movie, Virgil and Logan carry Patton to his room. Usually, you’d be the one carrying him, or helping. But, instead you just didn’t offer. You just stayed where you were and waited for everyone to leave. You pull the blankets tighter around you, and bury your face in your arms that are resting on your knees.

You think Janus carried Remus to his room. The credits are still playing in the background. At least, you’re alone now.

————————————

After the movie ended, you had to carry Remus to his room. Well, carrying him you were thinking about who to talk to about Roman.

You’re first thought is Patton, one, because you’re on the best terms with him, and two, because he’s the ‘feelings and emotions’ and all that. 

You double think that, on one hand, Patton could help Roman greatly, by talking over his feelings and all. But, it could also have a negative affect. You know Patton has a hard time with change. Know doubt, learning someone you care about has been hiding things from you, definitely would not feel great. He might accidentally guilt trip Roman, and that would not be beneficial.

You’re next thought is Virgil, but that would be awful. He already hates you and he is anxiety, now. He’d probably yell at you, and then worry over Roman, but not know how to process the information.

Since Patton and Virgil are out the last person you have is Logan. He is the logical side, so you are sure he’d listen to you, at least hear you out. Logan also sucks at feelings, he is like a literal robot, sometimes. But, it seems like he’s all you got right now. Hopefully, after you talk to him, he’ll go talk to Patton, before they all talk to Roman.

You reach Remus’s door and push it open, carefully avoiding all the sharp objects on the floor to place him on his bed. You pull the covers over him and leave.

You know that the logical side helped Virgil carry Patton, so it’s reasonable to think he would be in his room by now.

When you pass be the living room again, you see Roman hadn’t moved. He was instead, snoozing away in a pile of blankets. You feel a twinge of pity in your heart. 

Not that you actually care, about him! You just want what’s best for Thomas! Obviously.

You definitely did not blush because you are realizing you care about the other creative side. That certainly would never, ever happen.

You let out a sigh as you knock on Logan’s door. You hear shuffling, and than the door is opened. Logan glances at you at asks why you are at his door so late. You tell him you need his help with something. He looks at you suspiciously and you just scoff, telling him it’s about Roman. He hesitates before he let’s you in.

You walk inside and it looks just as you expected, everything in place his desk neat and orderly, with several bookshelves. He jesters to his bed as he sits in his desk chair. 

You sit down and start telling him about what you witnessed earlier. You go on and on about a Romans Insecurities. He seems to be listening intently. You tell him you didn’t know what to do with this information, but you knew you had to tell someone. You also told him why you couldn’t tell Patton or Virgil first. 

After you finish he tells you that he also doesn’t know what to do, but agrees that something, anything, must be done. You go back and forth suggesting what you should do for about two minutes. Finally, one of you suggests that both of you tell Patton and Virgil together. You both agree to go with that since you can’t come up with anything else.

You also mention that Roman was still in the living room. You can’t leave him down there, so the two of you bring him back to his room. 

When you tuck him in you feel that twinge and it’s starting to get annoying. You already have enough to deal with. 

You shouldn’t have to deal with these ‘feelings’ towards Roman.

Ugh, whatever.

When you and Logan exit his room, he thanks you for telling him. You’re both going to talk to the others tomorrow, so this will be over soon.

Now it was time for sleep, you think as you curl up in your bed.


End file.
